I’m writing this blog on
the third day of my diet so please excuse me if I sound a bit hysterical. It’s been three long days of barely any carbohydrates,
green tea instead of my endless mugs of java and absolutely NO chocolate. In a
nutshell, (oh even a nutshell sounds delicious right now) I’m
starving. And in this state of hunger, I have realized what ascetic Buddhists
mean about the link between starvation and enlightenment …
I’ve had an epiphany too, I’ve
realized that it is impossible to work in an ad agency and lose weight. Here’s 10 reasons why:
1. Lunch Meetings
These meetings wreak havoc on the waistline.
Usually set up in chunks of 3 or 4 hours, the scheming client service’s manager just assumes that a good way to lure you in to
his pointless meeting is with the promise of food. And by food I never mean
salads. We’re talking pizzas, burgers,
fries, Chinese and anything else that will take the fast track from your lips
to your hips. Sit back and watch your derriere expand because lunch meetings
are not an exception in advertising… they are, unfortunately,
a norm.
2. Stress Chocolate
Deadlines threatening to turn you in to a
psychopathic mass murderer? Feel an overwhelming desire to choke the living
daylights out of the next person who “swings by”
your desk to check on the progress of their project? Simply pop a few pieces of
the sweet, creamy manna in to your mouth and everything will suddenly feel
happier and lighter. Chocolate is, after all, cheaper than the therapy you’re surely going to need after receiving your twentieth
client brief outlining 6 “number 1”objectives
and 24 USP’s (yes, that still stands for “unique” selling proposition).
And let’s not forget those “I
need those by yesterday” deadlines.
3. Shaadi and Birth Mithai
If you are lucky to work at a large enough
agency, there is a birth or a shaadi of some colleague or the other pretty much
every single week! And that means a massive box of multi-colored mithai is circulated throughout the
office. Enough said. Why can’t we distribute salad
leaves to celebrate our big moments instead?
4. Birthday Cake
And if someone is not getting hitched or
becoming a new dad or mom, they are celebrating their birthday! At least every
week, we are forced to gather around some poor soul’s
cubicle and awkwardly sing “Happy Birthday” while he or she would much rather
be celebrating outside those four walls. And if you don’t
stay for a piece of cake, it’s considered an insult
as well as a validation of the stereotype that is perpetuated of people in your
department (“see, I told you planners are anti-social
and arrogant”). So just smile, eat and get
used to buying elasticated waistlines.
5. Working on Food Brands
Our job is to make our target audience
drool over the food brands we represent. Unfortunately, before the carefully
styled, gorgeous shots of food reach the printer, they are passed around the
office awaiting approval. Nothing makes you feel more like a bottomless pit
than staring at a beautifully retouched photo of a steaming korma or gooey
nihari.
6. Appreciation lunches
In Pakistan, we cannot simply say “thank you for doing a good job.” The correct way to show appreciation is to launch in to a
feeding frenzy with the person in question so that the extreme levels of our gratitude
are properly reiterated! Advertising agencies have multiple teams, multiple
departments and multiple egos that need to be multiply massaged. This means
that were totally over-indexed on “appreciation lunches”.
7. Farewell lunches
We can’t
say goodbye without breaking bread either. Can we do anything without making it
a food focused ritual?!
8. Hajj Return Treats
It’s not enough that you’re handed a packet of fattening dates, you’re
also given mithai to celebrate as well as invited to a Friday degh lunch. The last rite of a Haji is
to feed oily biryani to his colleagues while he shows of his post-pilgrimage
slim physique.
9. Working Late
Advertising is not a 9-5 career. The gifs
and memes are true—you will sometimes wonder what the outside world looks like.
This means late night deliveries of food fit for kings. You just have to keep
your chins up and soldier on. Pass the ketchup please.
10. The
lifestyle
As mentioned in the previous nine points, being in
advertising means that you will have a lot on your plate. Literally. So just
remember these words. If you want a job in advertising, you will not
only be expanding your horizons, you will be expanding your waistline too. Don’t say you weren’t warned.
