Top Ten Buzz Words You Need To Know For A Successful Career In Advertising.

1. Low Hanging Fruit

What you think it is:  Ripe and succulent fruit, ready to be picked.

What it is in advertising: A customer or prospect that can be effortlessly obtained.  Used mostly by confused brand strategists to fool the team and client in to thinking they’ve done their research.

2. A Brief

What you think it is: A pair of undies, mostly used for men’s undies.

What it is in advertising: A veritable book emailed over by an Assistant Brand Manager that is to be used as the foundation of a campaign. A brief generally contains more words than a Russian novel and is also as difficult to comprehend.

3. Retainer

What you think it is: A teeth guard worn by pre-pubescent teenagers, mostly at night.

What it is in advertising: A Faustian bargain made between ad agencies and clients. A signed retainer means that the client now owns the soul of every employee at the agency and will remind them of this fact whenever possible.

4. Pitching

What you think it is: To erect or set up a tent.

What it is in advertising: To erect or set up a tent at your ad agency because it means that you’re going to be living at the agency until the day of the pitch. Pitches entail endless amounts of free work done in minimal time for clients who will probably be too busy checking their Facebook pages to listen to your ideas.

5. Approval

What you think it is: An act of agreement or acceptance.

What it is in advertising: The sacred “thumbs up” from the client which is meant to guarantee eternal happiness.  This is almost certainly never given in the first 20 rounds of creative. Achieving the legendary “client approval” is a spiritual journey fraught with hardship, penance and spiritual enlightenment.  

6. Insights

What you think it is: An intuitive understanding of a person or a thing.

What it is in advertising: The strategy part of the presentation filled with bullet points and ven diagrams that repeat the same understanding again and again in about 50 slides.

7. Take Ownership

What you think it is: To lead a project and make it your own.

What it is in advertising: The passing on of responsibility by senior management to middle management, often when things have gone terrifyingly south.

8. Deliverable

What you think it is: Something that can be delivered.

What it is in advertising: The irritating term the client services person will continuously use to feel useful on the team.  

9. Media Agnostic:

What you think it is: Admit it. You have no idea what this means.

What it is in advertising: Neither do we, but we use it to sound smart in client meetings and to reassure them that we have received college degrees.

10. Share of Mouth

What you think it is: A space for tongue, tonsils and teeth.

What it is in advertising: All the similar things a consumer can stuff their faces with. Our quest is to be the most popular mouth stuffer amongst other mouth stuffers.

If you want to lose weight, do not get a job in advertising.

I’m writing this blog on the third day of my diet so please excuse me if I sound a bit hysterical. It’s been three long days of barely any carbohydrates, green tea instead of my endless mugs of java and absolutely NO chocolate. In a nutshell, (oh even a nutshell sounds delicious right now) I’m starving. And in this state of hunger, I have realized what ascetic Buddhists mean about the link between starvation and enlightenment … I’ve had an epiphany too, I’ve realized that it is impossible to work in an ad agency and lose weight. Here’s 10 reasons why:

1.  Lunch Meetings

These meetings wreak havoc on the waistline. Usually set up in chunks of 3 or 4 hours, the scheming client service’s manager just assumes that a good way to lure you in to his pointless meeting is with the promise of food. And by food I never mean salads. We’re talking pizzas, burgers, fries, Chinese and anything else that will take the fast track from your lips to your hips. Sit back and watch your derriere expand because lunch meetings are not an exception in advertising… they are, unfortunately, a norm.

2. Stress Chocolate

Deadlines threatening to turn you in to a psychopathic mass murderer? Feel an overwhelming desire to choke the living daylights out of the next person who “swings by” your desk to check on the progress of their project? Simply pop a few pieces of the sweet, creamy manna in to your mouth and everything will suddenly feel happier and lighter. Chocolate is, after all, cheaper than the therapy you’re surely going to need after receiving your twentieth client brief outlining 6 “number 1”objectives and 24 USP’s (yes, that still stands for “unique” selling proposition). And let’s not forget those “I need those by yesterday” deadlines.

3. Shaadi and Birth Mithai

If you are lucky to work at a large enough agency, there is a birth or a shaadi of some colleague or the other pretty much every single week! And that means a massive box of multi-colored mithai is circulated throughout the office. Enough said. Why can’t we distribute salad leaves to celebrate our big moments instead?

4. Birthday Cake

And if someone is not getting hitched or becoming a new dad or mom, they are celebrating their birthday! At least every week, we are forced to gather around some poor soul’s cubicle and awkwardly sing “Happy Birthday” while he or she would much rather be celebrating outside those four walls. And if you don’t stay for a piece of cake, it’s considered an insult as well as a validation of the stereotype that is perpetuated of people in your department (“see, I told you planners are anti-social and arrogant”). So just smile, eat and get used to buying elasticated waistlines.

5. Working on Food Brands

Our job is to make our target audience drool over the food brands we represent. Unfortunately, before the carefully styled, gorgeous shots of food reach the printer, they are passed around the office awaiting approval. Nothing makes you feel more like a bottomless pit than staring at a beautifully retouched photo of a steaming korma or gooey nihari.

6. Appreciation lunches

In Pakistan, we cannot simply say “thank you for doing a good job.” The correct way to show appreciation is to launch in to a feeding frenzy with the person in question so that the extreme levels of our gratitude are properly reiterated! Advertising agencies have multiple teams, multiple departments and multiple egos that need to be multiply massaged. This means that were totally over-indexed on “appreciation lunches”.

7. Farewell lunches

We can’t say goodbye without breaking bread either. Can we do anything without making it a food focused ritual?!

8. Hajj Return Treats

It’s not enough that you’re handed a packet of fattening dates, you’re also given mithai to celebrate as well as invited to a Friday degh lunch. The last rite of a Haji is to feed oily biryani to his colleagues while he shows of his post-pilgrimage slim physique.

9.  Working Late

Advertising is not a 9-5 career. The gifs and memes are true—you will sometimes wonder what the outside world looks like. This means late night deliveries of food fit for kings. You just have to keep your chins up and soldier on. Pass the ketchup please.

10.  The lifestyle

As mentioned in the previous nine points, being in advertising means that you will have a lot on your plate. Literally. So just remember these words. If you want a job in advertising, you will not only be expanding your horizons, you will be expanding your waistline too. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

Don't mean to pitch about it...

“It was the worst of times. It was the best of times. It was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness… it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us”

Charles Dickens wrote this opening paragraph for his book “A Tale of Two Cities” referring to the turmoil in London and Paris during the French Revolution but for anyone working in an advertising agency, this paragraph aptly describes the mood of our workplace during an agency pitch.

You see, a pitch brief brings with it a complex tapestry of emotions. Hope and fear. Dread and excitement. Liberation and restraint. Highs and lows. For me, these dichotomous emotions are especially fresh right now because we are in the end stages of a massive pitch which is due next week.

To illustrate the drama that we live through when a pitch brief comes, I am going to share some of my Facebook status updates and internal emails over the last month.

August 4^th 2015

From: Planning Dept.

To: @creativeall, Account Director

Subject: XXXX PITCH!

Guys,

We have received a pitch brief for XXXX brand.  The planning team is working on a basic strategic understanding and will share the brief and way forward with you in 3 days time. Please do not come and harass us before this. I know you all are excited and so are we. But let us work it out.

August 4^th 2015 

From: Account Director

To: Planning Dept.

Subject: RE:XXXX PITCH!

Dear Planning Department,

Thanks for the email. We have set up a time later today for you to take us through the strategic framework. How does 4PM sound?

Cheers!

 August 4^th 2015

From: Planning Dept

To: Account Director

Subject: RE:RE:XXXX PITCH!

Are you nuts? We asked for 3 days!

Aug 4^th 2015.

From: Account Director

To: Planning Dept.

Subject: RE:RE:RE:XXXX PITCH!

You owe me from the time I covered that focus group for you so you could go see “Bhajrangi Bhaijan.” The Creatives are ready to get started.

Pleeeeasse?

August  6^th 2015

4PM

Facebook Status: I’m fairly certain Mick Jagger wrote “Satisfaction” about the day I’m currently having. Best brainstorm ever!”

Aug  6^th 2015

9:30PM

Facebook Status: Still brainstorming. Hour 8. At least my lipstick is bringing out the red in my eyes.

August 9^th 2015

11 AM

From: Planning Department

To: @agencyall

Subject: Rotting Donuts on my desk

MY DESK HAS DONUTS LEFT ON THEM FROM LAST NIGHT AND I AM NOW THE NEWLY APPOINTED “LORD OF THE FLIES!” They are following me everywhere I go!

Aug 9^th 2015

11:01 AM

From: Account Director

To: Planning Dept

Subject: RE: Rotting Donuts on my desk

Want me to pull out the CCTV footage from last night? I bet it was (insert Junior Creative’s Name).

Aug 9^th 2015

11:02 AM

From: Planning Dept

To: Account Director

Subject: RE:RE: Rotting Donuts on my desk

Simmer down Hitler. It was just donuts not a Soviet threat. But since you now owe me one, can I get one of those electric fly swatter bats?

Aug 15^th

5:46PM

FB Status: Out and about interviewing Target Audience at Dolmen Mall. Was called “Aunty” at least 147 times by aforementioned TG and have perfected my frozen “this does not bother me” smile. Am I an AUNTY!?

This status is brought to you by the pint of Haagen Dazs I am currently drowning my sorrows in to.

Aug 16^th:

9:30 AM

FB Status: I feel a deep and enduring love for my creative team colleagues. We have worked non-stop, almost every day for the last 2 weeks and the work is looking AMAZING!! Shout out to my peeps!

 Aug 17^th

10AM:

From: Account Director

To: @planningall @creativeall

Subject: Concerns. Attention Needed.

Dear Planning and Creative,

I just saw the last round of KV’s and I think the logo is too small. Can we somehow change the copy to make the call to action first? Also please turn in your receipts for dinner ordered last week? And no, I cannot have “a carton of cigarettes” expensed!

Please revert on the same.  Thank you kindly.

Aug 17^th

1PM

From: Account Director

To: @planningall @creativeall

Subject: Very disappointed.

Whoever thought it was a nice idea to put David Hasslehoff’s half nude body as my screensaver right before my client presentation, I just want to reiterate that this is a professional atmosphere and such actions are strictly unprofessional. I am pulling out the CCTV footage to pinpoint the culprit.

Aug 17^th

2:15PM

From: Account Director

To: @planningall @creativeall

Subject: WHO TOOK MY CHAIR?

Aug 18^th:

11AM

From: COO

To: @planningall, @creativeall

Subject: Conference Room. Now!

Teams,

We have had an informal run through and I feel like we need to push ourselves harder! The work is good but not up to the standard of excellence that this agency is accustomed to delivering. Please gather for formal feedback in the conference room at 11:30AM.

Aug 18^th

12:14PM

Facebook Status: Here we go again! Look out ‘square one’ because we’re coming back to you!

Aug 19th:

4AM

Facebook Status: WORK ALLNIGHTER 2--- Driving away this morning I felt pangs of panic for my team members left at work. I could not shake the feeling that I should remember what they were wearing in case I need to describe them in detail to someone later on. Should I learn their heights?

Aug 20th

3:01 AM

Facebook Status: WORK ALLNIGHTER 3-- Still at work. I nearly tripped over in the hallway. A crease in the carpet. I know the work of a child ghost when I see it. Lack of sleep is a potent drug.

Aug 21^st

2:15PM

From: Account Director

To: @planningall @creativeall

Subject: Run Through

All,

The run through was EXCEPTIONAL! COO loved all the work. Fabulous work guys. Almost at the finish line.

PS. I couldn’t help put notice that the logo wasn’t made bigger in the KV’s. And the call to action wasn’t brought out first in the copy. Can you please revert on the same? Thank you kindly.

August 27^th

3PM

FB Status Update: Has a spare minute. Finally! Time to write that blog…