If you want to lose weight, do not get a job in advertising.

I’m writing this blog on the third day of my diet so please excuse me if I sound a bit hysterical. It’s been three long days of barely any carbohydrates, green tea instead of my endless mugs of java and absolutely NO chocolate. In a nutshell, (oh even a nutshell sounds delicious right now) I’m starving. And in this state of hunger, I have realized what ascetic Buddhists mean about the link between starvation and enlightenment … I’ve had an epiphany too, I’ve realized that it is impossible to work in an ad agency and lose weight. Here’s 10 reasons why:

1.  Lunch Meetings

These meetings wreak havoc on the waistline. Usually set up in chunks of 3 or 4 hours, the scheming client service’s manager just assumes that a good way to lure you in to his pointless meeting is with the promise of food. And by food I never mean salads. We’re talking pizzas, burgers, fries, Chinese and anything else that will take the fast track from your lips to your hips. Sit back and watch your derriere expand because lunch meetings are not an exception in advertising… they are, unfortunately, a norm.

2. Stress Chocolate

Deadlines threatening to turn you in to a psychopathic mass murderer? Feel an overwhelming desire to choke the living daylights out of the next person who “swings by” your desk to check on the progress of their project? Simply pop a few pieces of the sweet, creamy manna in to your mouth and everything will suddenly feel happier and lighter. Chocolate is, after all, cheaper than the therapy you’re surely going to need after receiving your twentieth client brief outlining 6 “number 1”objectives and 24 USP’s (yes, that still stands for “unique” selling proposition). And let’s not forget those “I need those by yesterday” deadlines.

3. Shaadi and Birth Mithai

If you are lucky to work at a large enough agency, there is a birth or a shaadi of some colleague or the other pretty much every single week! And that means a massive box of multi-colored mithai is circulated throughout the office. Enough said. Why can’t we distribute salad leaves to celebrate our big moments instead?

4. Birthday Cake

And if someone is not getting hitched or becoming a new dad or mom, they are celebrating their birthday! At least every week, we are forced to gather around some poor soul’s cubicle and awkwardly sing “Happy Birthday” while he or she would much rather be celebrating outside those four walls. And if you don’t stay for a piece of cake, it’s considered an insult as well as a validation of the stereotype that is perpetuated of people in your department (“see, I told you planners are anti-social and arrogant”). So just smile, eat and get used to buying elasticated waistlines.

5. Working on Food Brands

Our job is to make our target audience drool over the food brands we represent. Unfortunately, before the carefully styled, gorgeous shots of food reach the printer, they are passed around the office awaiting approval. Nothing makes you feel more like a bottomless pit than staring at a beautifully retouched photo of a steaming korma or gooey nihari.

6. Appreciation lunches

In Pakistan, we cannot simply say “thank you for doing a good job.” The correct way to show appreciation is to launch in to a feeding frenzy with the person in question so that the extreme levels of our gratitude are properly reiterated! Advertising agencies have multiple teams, multiple departments and multiple egos that need to be multiply massaged. This means that were totally over-indexed on “appreciation lunches”.

7. Farewell lunches

We can’t say goodbye without breaking bread either. Can we do anything without making it a food focused ritual?!

8. Hajj Return Treats

It’s not enough that you’re handed a packet of fattening dates, you’re also given mithai to celebrate as well as invited to a Friday degh lunch. The last rite of a Haji is to feed oily biryani to his colleagues while he shows of his post-pilgrimage slim physique.

9.  Working Late

Advertising is not a 9-5 career. The gifs and memes are true—you will sometimes wonder what the outside world looks like. This means late night deliveries of food fit for kings. You just have to keep your chins up and soldier on. Pass the ketchup please.

10.  The lifestyle

As mentioned in the previous nine points, being in advertising means that you will have a lot on your plate. Literally. So just remember these words. If you want a job in advertising, you will not only be expanding your horizons, you will be expanding your waistline too. Don’t say you weren’t warned.